The end...for now

Here I sit, not on a bike, but in my brother's car. I am en route, not to my next stop (Wigan) but to my home.

As you will know I have had trouble with my knee for a few days now and have sought medical advice as to what to do. Initially that meant seeing a physio in Carlisle, yesterday I saw a second physio in Kendal. After thorough examinations neither could identify the problem, my legs are seemingly in good shape, but I still have incredible pain around and in my knee cap. A three hour wait at A & E for an X-ray showed no hairline fracture, so the plan was, load up on industrial strength pain-killers (60mg) codeine, 1g (?) paracetamol and give it a whirl, if I couldn't feel the pain then I'd be ok right?

So, I loaded up on pain-killers, gave it an hour for them to take effect and decided to 'spin' up and down the road for an hour, high revs, checking the pain levels. The pain-killers didn't touch the pain, and within 2 minutes I knew what I have been struggling to admit to myself for the past 2-3 days. I have to stop. The overwhelming feeling was numbness (although figuratively speaking, not in the region of my knee), and worry...worry about a) my knee, b) what people would think and c) letting people down. Many many people have sponsored me, some with considerable donations. I have harangued people for months, cajoling, almost bullying people into supporting me. My family, and friends have given up time and energy to support me, I still have a number to ride with over the last week for example. Not once did it cross my mind that I wouldn't be able to do it. In my head if I got a knock/minor injury (as I had with my ankle on day one) I'd strap it up, ignore the pain, and crack on...I didn't have a plan b. Yes, I've done 320 miles, the vast majority (270?) with my knee sore (although for the first couple of days the pain was sporadic), but people sponsored and supported me because of the size of the task I took on? I need to complete it.

Was it too big a task for me? Was I/am I fit enough? I'd like to think I am. During the ride I haven't struggled from a physical perspective, I actually feel fitter and healthier than I have for a long time, indeed on all the training rides I've had no pain at all, but in cycling your knee is pivotal (in more ways than one) and if it doesn't work I just can't go on.

In all of this, thanks to the vagaries of who I've seen/The NHS I have yet to see a doctor. I've seen 2 physios, who don't know what's wrong, and a senior nurse as no doc was available at A & E. I am going to head to a docs today at home in the hope they can at least diagnose me. I guess in a way I am looking partly for vindication, that I've done the right thing, and partly for a solution (it really hurts, even this morning). This is the main priority. At some point, when my knee is healed I would like to do the rest of the miles. I know exactly where I stopped and I have still got a planned route. I could take 4 long weekends later in the year, who knows? I am determined to complete it at some point, but that point is not now.

I am going to email everyone through my justgiving pages (if I can work out how to) offering for them to have a refund on their donation. It is absolutely the right thing to do and, apart from anything, will help assuage any guilt I am feeling.

I hope in time to reflect on it in a positive way, I did cycle 320 miles over some proper hills in testing (30 degrees!) conditions. The distance was further than London to Paris, and I did it partly carrying an injury. It is an achievement, I know it is...but it isn't THE ACHIEVEMENT I wanted it to be when I set off from John o' Groats a week ago.

I will be home in a couple of hours, I can't wait to see Jen and the kids. I hope they will still be proud of me.

It's better than to try and fail then not to try at all.